Not me this time.

Toliet handle. I went to go flush the toliet and the whole handle fell off into my hand/the floor. Bang bang clatter clatter. 

So much for trying to be quiet this morning.

Kids are still sleeping, I believe. Today is Friday so I can hopefully maybe sleep in tomorrow depending on how nice I want to be to myself. I really don’t like this whole waking up before 6 am. I am the kind of girl that runs best when she wakes up somewhere after 6:30 am and before 7:30 am and who can be in bed no later then 11:30 pm. Pathetic in a way I know but that’s how I roll. HAHA!

Not much else to talk about right now but I am sure more will come as the day progresses. Later!

I wish I could be a kid again briefly so I could be told what to do, instead of being the one to make the choice. 

I haven’t talked to all parties involved but right now this is what I am thinking I am doing.

Going to go to Nigeria. Telling them my last day is Oct 1st. That way I can still see Emmylou and Joan in concert and hopefully if my uncle & aunt visit in late Sept go with them to where my family is from (County Kerry/Shannon/Limerick areas). Instead of going with them to Spain in Oct I will try to go to Scotland and maybe Netherlands to see my friend there. I still need to figure out a way to get to Belfast (Gram’s from there). 

As for what I am doing in the States I have no clue yet. I want to make sure to visit my parents & all my siblings who I haven’t seen since I left Houston in Feb and Calif in Dec. Where to live is up in the air.

ETA:

Decided I am moving to Texas. *laughs* j/k! I can just hear my mom now, “what, I just got the daughter that was out there for 10 yrs back to CA now I have to deal with a different daughter out there” HAHA! Serious note though I wonder if the Montessori school I was applying for before this adventure would accept an application from me. Hmmm? Just a thought, that’s all! It would be really weird living in Houston without my sister around.

Better yet I could try to see if maybe I could live at my uncle’s place in Colorado, which I think no one is living in right now. That way I have a roof over my head and can get on my feet but don’t have to worry about taking care of little ones when I am at home. After all for the last 4 almost 5 yrs I have lived in 3 different homes where there was 2 kids under 2.

That’s not to say I don’t want to eventually maybe someday have kids of my own. I do. Only time will tell with that one.

Z won’t take his morning nap this morning. K is just whining. My mojo just isn’t working today. I am in a good mood but my skills are being challenged. 

Overcasty day today. RIGHT ON! *rolleyes* I have never been so sick of clouds and rain in my life. That’s saying a lot because I love to sit out under the porch during a rainstorm to hear the rain and watch the lightning.

Z is finally down for his nap at 11:30 am. Which is over an hour past his normal time. Getting K’s lunch ready and soon it will hopefully be his nap time as well.

Going for the travel vaccines for Africa trip today.

I still don’t know if I want to go for sure or not. I have been wanting to go to Africa for so long that it’s hard to say, No I am not going, when that’s exactly how I feel. I have no idea when a chance like this will occur again.

Been catching up on Anthony Bourdain No Reservations episodes on Youtube. Forgotten how much I love his show. 

Guess I need to quit avoiding the day sort of speak and get my arse in gear!

I get to wear pjs to work if I want.

Endless amounts of hugs & kisses from the kiddos

Sounds of laughter in the air

Don’t have to wear make up

Watching Z fall asleep. There’s this flurry of action then the eyes start closing followed by his gentle snore. He’s 9 mos old and snores already. HAHA!

The state of my afro of curls doesn’t matter. Currently looking very messy & big

K’s giggle from figuring out how to work the tickle me elmo. He loves it!

Being able to listen to music all day long. Though I make sure the music I listen to when kids are around is kid friendly, don’t want anyone learning foul language on my watch.

 

Working on trying to be more positive. I got way down into a serious depressed funk recently. Don’t like it when I am that way.

Looking forward to see my sister and her family in Sept if that is indeed when I head out. Haven’t quite bought the tix yet nor have I told them that’s when my last day is. Then still trying to figure out what I want to do about the Africa trip.

Other downside to leaving in Sept, I won’t be seeing Emmylou Harris or Joan Baez in concert.

Speaking of concerts, Coldplay is coming to Dublin on Dec 21st. DOH! Guess there is no coldplay show for me this tour. I am however excited at the chance that I could be seeing Ellis Paul sometime in Nov because he’s doing a couple of shows in CA and I should be there by then. *bounces*

forgotten how awesome that song is!  

That’s it!

To go or not to go. It’s Africa. It’s her mother and grandma who have been wanting to meet me since I moved here, the mom who was on the phone welcoming me to the family almost as soon as I got off the plane, It’s 5 days where I won’t be able to go anywhere without one of them, It’s 5 days that I will be worrying if I piss him off if he would leave me somewhere (which I can’t help but do), It’s a trip I know I will remember for the rest of my life.

Ugh! Someone tell me what to do.

Other newsage:

Z has a cold. Poor baby! He is absolutely miserable but laughing at the same time. What a sight. Snot is flying everywhere, but he’s hanging in there.

K is a whiner. Think he’s doing a little reverting back to a younger age because of his brother and the attention his brother gets.

Just saw the lineup for this year’s ACL. DAMN! Lots of people I would love to see this year: Swell Season, Shooter Jennings, Robert Earl Keen, Gillian Welch, Patti Griffin, Old ’97s, Rodney Crowell, Mates Of State, and the list goes on & on. There’s no way I can buy a plane tix back to CA then try to buy a tix for later in Sept out to Austin, never mind where would I stay…not a chance in hell of staying at the hostel I  dared to stay in the last time I was there.

Ever the music lover with no money to back it up. *laughs* Least I can dream right? *day dreams* Why did I have to choose music to be passionate about?

Been getting phone calls and making them left and right today. Talked to my sisters and my mom. Brother sent me an email. All saying they are proud of me for standing up for myself. All offering to have me stay with them.

Progress has been made. Have decided that I am going to tell them that I am leaving Sept 1st. Cause my older sister who I was helping before I moved here might be needing my help if she gets the job she is interviewing for today. You better get that job Kari! :D 

Now all that needs to be decided is if I should go to Nigeria with them. Part of me wants to go because I have put so much money towards it but then part of me doesn’t because I don’t want to go somewhere I am completely dependent on them again. If I don’t go I could possibly see my friend in the Netherlands while they are gone. Decisions!

I didn’t mention it in the previous entry but the breaking point for why I have decided to leave. The dad locking me out of the house yesterday. I apparently didn’t alarm the house properly so it wasn’t on when they came home so I was locked out for about 20 mins calling them/knocking/ringing the door bell before he came down to let me in. Of course being how I am when confronted with someone who’s mad at me I started crying. Hate that I do that but it’s how I am I guess. It was after that I really decided I am done here. I had made the decision to tell them early this weekend but it was nailed down after that encounter.

I am falling apart physically, emotionally and mentally. It’s time to go. Haven’t figure out when and to where I am going.

Physically- joints hurting, back is in knots, not sleeping much and not eating a whole lot.

Emotionally- just drained. I am a sensitive person but now it’s more so then ever before

Mentally- not able to concentrate well

Depending on how things go for them getting a replacement I could be leaving anytime between now and Xmas holidays. The plan if I leave for Xmas is just not to come back.

Still trying to figure out if I want to go to Nigeria and Spain with them. 

Then there is the whole thing that I would love to go to Scotland and Netherlands before heading back over.

I just know it was the right decision made because I am truly smiling today, got almost 8 hrs sleep last night instead of the 4 I have been pulling, and my back isn’t bugging me as much.

Enjoying a bit of a Shiraz Cab from Wolf Blass in a water glass because they don’t have wine glasses here. Wasn’t able to find a Bordeaux anywhere so a Cab will have to due.

Bathroom is almost completely clean, just have to attack the shower. My room is looking good too. Just need to dust it and clean the mirror and it’s good.

My allergies are attacking me right now for some reason. Hmmm!

To do list for tomorrow:

Make my way to the Connolly Hospital to sign up for my physical/checkup. Nothing serious, I just have insurance for the first time in about 3 yrs so should use it. Also I need to find out if I need any shots before I head off on my Nigerian adventure.

Go to my local Gardai station to have them make sure I am who I am so I can finally finish with my irish passport.

I need to find one of those back massage canes because I have noticed that my upper back where I can’t reach really well is all in knots so is the part where my neck and shoulders meet on both sides. Yep that’s where I keep my stress.

Today is all about cleaning. Granted I am being slow with it but still getting things done. Sheets are currently drying. YAY! Gonna have clean sheets again. Working on finding the energy to tackle the mess that is my room and my bathroom.

At some point today I need to go to the store again. Need to find a wine bottle opener, coffee filter bags, paper towel and few other things. Never ending supply buying it seems like.

For a person that only got 5 hrs sleep last night I am doing pretty good. I don’t know why but my sleep pattern is all fucked up. When I was living in Houston, I was in bed by 10:30 pm if I didn’t go out and up around 7:30 am. Now I am lucky if I am able to fall asleep before 11 pm and I wake up without an alarm around 5:15 am. It’s just strange because I am the type of person that doesn’t function well at all without sleep.

Not only do I have that but there’s the whole food thing going on. I stocked up on food for the weekend so I am not having any problems getting the amount I need, but when they are here I do. In the 5 mos since I moved here I have lost 20 lbs. That’s without working out at all really. I mean I have 14 stairs I go up and down multiple times a day but other then that I am not doing anything, mainly do to the weather. I do go for a walk every once in awhile. Whereas when I was in Houston I went on a 45 min walk every morning except Sun and I did a Pilates tape once a week along with going to the gym once a week with my sister. I need to start doing Pilates and gym again. I mean I went clothes shopping before I left Houston and all those clothes are like 3 sizes to big now, clothes I bought before Paris are big on me now too.

I must sound like a broken record in regards to my sleeping and food/working out but I have become more aware of them. That’s all.

Off to go get food and do more cleaning. See ya!